This piece is satire.

As I sit here watching Mr. Paperclip get curiously anxious at me finding a way to begin this article, I can’t help but remember my roots in PC Gaming. I was a joystick kind of guy, thrusting that stick heroically, warding off storm troopers and quake demons with my 6-button wonder. After getting recommendations to try a mouse/keyboard combo, I decided to put down my stick of joy and make the switch. I was dumbfounded at the vast control superiority a mouse offered. Here I thought it was only useful for moving a cursor around and clicking icons, who knew that translated to moving a gun around and shooting bad guys. In fact, consoles recently realized the same potential and offered mouse/keyboard add-ons for a nominal price to replace the joypad and allow you to play that shiny new FPS on your T.V. screen.


After recent complaints about not including the staple of gaming mice in the previous mouse review article, I am happy to include reviews for the Microsoft Intellimouse Explorer 3.0 and Intellimouse 1.1. Based off the original article, I will score the mice based on several criteria. First, aesthetics, or how good do I look holding it. Do I look like I have my gun locked and ready to rock, or like I’m wearing a skirt? Watch for spooning bonus points. Next is how well it grips and conforms to a variety of hands. Much like a car must grip the road or else fly, a mouse must grip to the user or else be thrown at the wall in anger. Buttons and placement is next. Comfort is key to this category. Then we have the weight and glide factor category, and how accurate the mice are in different games, how responsive they are to quick movement, and how awesome it is to headshot newbs. Finally any additional features it may come with and where someone might be able to purchase these mice, at what cost and what condition. These mice are not produced anymore so don’t go looking at Best Buy for them. In fact, you probably shouldn’t go near there in the first place. And on that note, the review begins!


Microsoft Intellimouse Explorer 3.0

Even before I begin to type the previous letters, I can hear the stampede of fan-boys nearing closer and closer to make sure I know how awesome this 3 year old mouse is, and if I should say anything bad about it, how they will incessantly believe I'm a 22 year old who lives in the basement of his parent's house. Well even if that were the case, this is one mouse you have to respect and understand before you begin to grasp its power on competitive gaming. More top LAN players use the Intellimouse 3.0 than any other mouse. Even Fatal1ty could be seen sporting this mouse before his own was released. Whether he used it in witchcraft rituals to put a hex on rival players is still being investigated.

Looks

Sleek grey body with darker undersides. It looks very good sitting on my desk like that.
Mav-O-Meter 5/5

Grip

This mouse is a perfect fit for the average right hand. It is not ambidextrous so forget about using this if you’re left-handed, unless you are man enough. It is very comfortable after extended hours of use and allows the whole hand to rest on top of it gently and ever so softly. It’s almost sexual.
Mav-O-Meter 4/5

Buttons

This mouse sports 4 buttons and a wheel button. I normally don’t include the wheel as a button because it’s a hard one to hit in a dire situation, especially if you don’t want to scroll accidentally. The two main buttons are very tight, responsive and comfortable. The third button, the one close to the hand, is the easier one to reach of the two side buttons. However, it has a very odd deadzone where you can depress it half way and still not hear the click. That makes it very hard to do repetitious clicks with it. The fourth button located above this button is smaller and resembles a nipple. It is more responsive than its brother but harder to reach and requires smashing it with your thumb. It’s not possible to control the mouse accurately while hitting this fourth button, while it is possible hitting the third. If it weren’t for these little nuances, the two side buttons would be fully functional with the rest of the mouse.
Mav-O-Meter 4/5

Tracking and Glide

This mouse glides very well, and I’ve never had a problem with it unless there was extra dirt on the mouse pad. Four medium sized feet that are durable and last a very long time support it. The mouse is very accurate in every game I've played at any sensitivity, and doesn't exhibit any acceleration effects unless specified through software. It uses an award winning tracking engine which, unfortunately, was never seen again in a Microsoft mouse.
Mav-O-Meter 5/5

Features

The original mouse came with an installation CD to allow binding of all the buttons to specific windows commands, but nothing else. It would’ve been cool to include a copy of Half-Life 2 or F.E.A.R. with each mouse but I guess it wasn’t finished back then. The only extra feature this mouse has is an amazingly strong red glow underneath, which acts like an emo flashlight in a dark room.
Mav-O-Meter 5/5

Availability

This is the one that’s going to make you cry. This mouse is a very hard mouse to get a hold of in new condition. Your best bet is either knowing someone who has one and stealing it, or going the Ebay route. Just be warned, they are going to be used mice, and if the seller used it like I do, well, I’d just be very careful and ask for plenty of pics.
Mav-O-Meter 1/5


Final Score

(NOT an average of previous scores)
This is a mouse built for the kind of guys you see working at a lumberyard with their shirts off, all sweaty and working hard. Yes it’s that manly. The only downfall is the weak side buttons that could’ve been more comfortable and accurate. It’s only a minor downside. Just bind the same action to both and smash away.
Mav-O-Meter 4.7/5